she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
