So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
