The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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