M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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