I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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