I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
