i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.