Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures