This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.