we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom