Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
