Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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