everyone is single if you try hard enough
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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