It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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