You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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