god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
