Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
This baby is an asshole
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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