grandma shit on top of the toilet
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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