We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
The adults are the big ones right?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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