Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
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That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
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I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
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