I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
