Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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