Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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