he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
