I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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