She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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