She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
