all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
