just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
