thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize