I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
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and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
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Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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