this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
now i know why i became what i already was.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
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The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
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I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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