i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
