I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Randomize
