I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Randomize
