we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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