I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
