When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
