No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
