I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
