also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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