I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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