We won't sleep together?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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