Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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