she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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