you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
