Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
