Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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