i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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