Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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