I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
