God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
