he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
