So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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