I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
