Are we in a gay sports bar?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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