For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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