I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
