So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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