evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
