those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
