the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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