Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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