Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
