you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
